Careboard: When Relationships Become Boring

#extrajudicial feelings cardboard

Careboard, the opposite of cardboard. This tag describe the victim of a boring relationship resulted from too much caring.

I never known too much caring can cause boredom in relationships.

Caring is an essential ingredient in any relationship. Although there are a number of reasons why one gets bored in a relationship, too much caring is not on the list. Until I saw it in real. So lets add, too much caring as one of the reasons.


When a partner who is not your spouse yet act like

   You can't live without him/her and believe that you too can't live without him/her. (Aww, really?)

   Is always around 24/7, as if his/her house is just a block away.

   Calls and text you every minute, that he/she needs to know what you're doing and where you are
   because he/she cares so much about your safety.

   Calls and text you every hour because he/she misses you every seconds of the day and expects you to reply and respond the same way, and when you don't, you will receive a heartbroken or sad emoticon on your phone, telling you how you hurt his/her feelings. Mind you, may mga lalaki ring ganito.

   Showers you with flowers, food, gifts even without occasion.

   He/she minds to bring you food and even towels or hankies everyday because he/she cares about you getting hungry. (He/She only wants you to get chubby! haha)

   He/she has to be there in your every meeting with friends.

   He/she has to know and meet all your friends because he/she cares about you. ( I don't understand this honestly. )

   He/she is so nice, that he/she is so tolerant about you because he/she thinks that you will break away from you if he/she becomes strict. ( huh?)

  When he's guarding you all the time because he's afraid you'll be kidnapped! (OMG! Are you rich??) Well, at least you have a bodyguard!



If these scenarios are present in your relationship, someone told me, boredom is just three months around the corner.... three months and you're out of his/her life.


So now, we realized that the lack of caring and  overly-caring rip off the relationship of its bliss.

 
 
When you feel you are one meter away from boredom in your relationship, is it an option to leave?
Psychology says, you need to kindle excitement in your relationship. If you are married and boredom crept in your marriage, stepping out is not the answer... rekindling is.



Communicate

Do not underestimate the power of "being honest about one's feelings".
Tell you're bored, but tell also the reasons why you're bored in your relationship without thinking your partner will accept it or not. It is not your problem if he can't understand you now, what matters is you've told him. Given him the chance to think, he will understand later. Remember that there are people who are slow to catch things said upon them. And there are people who care so much about their ego that telling them your disappointment about their behavior is a slap on the face. It's like, "ginawa ko na nga ang lahat, ako pa ang mali???!" Your not new to this statement. You hear this every time.



Find Ways... Discuss Them... Help each Other

Both of you with open minds can pin point turn offs in your relationship, and get rid of them, replacing them with turn on behavior and activities which will make both of you comfortable with each other. Talk about what both of you like and dislike in a commitment. Understanding the reasons behind the negative ones, and move on to positive  and new turn on actions for both of you. If the cause of too much caring is the fear of betrayal, you can help your partner to forgive his past and heal his wounds by your accepting love. You can't instruct him to change his mind or his heart, but you can prove through your loyalty that he need not to fear in your love. It will take time, a long time. But if you're patient enough to wait and be loyal, you will gain his trust and finally let you be you.


Don't forget that a relationship is a tango. Both must work it out and enjoy it.



Give Each Other a Chance ...Try Looking at Each Other's Eyes.

There are couples who end their relationship without any reason, and even without a closure. It is not a good habit to do so because it may lead to a  problem in the future.  If boredom  is just a reason and you have talked about it and discussed about it, then, give yourselves a chance to do things right. By giving yourselves another chance:

 You can save your relationship,
 You learned a valuable lesson you can bring with you to future relationships.
 You give happiness a chance.




To Exit, or Not To Exit.

It is humane to exhaust all efforts to save your relationship before pulling the curtains down, unless your love was also exhausted, don't pull the curtains down. Boredom is just a peck of wood compared to abuse, infidelity, and discrimination. Mix your love with hope if you're just a couple. But if you're married, mix your love with hope and faith. Parang kape, 3-in-one.



I pray things will work out for you.

written under the inspiration
of  the song, " Out of My League"

How To Trust...again and again and again?

How To Trust?
Paano magtitiwala? ( tinagalog lng..:p)


I was asked by a friend who's undergoing a very difficult time in Dubai,
"Paano ba magtiwala ate? "

I hope she won't mind me writing about her question which was also my question many years back.
I believe we are not the only ones who has the same question in mind. The trust issue is quite bothersome when you feel you need to love someone,  in a relationship or intending to share yourself to others.

Well, paano nga ba?

Let me share with you bits of how I made it. It's not an easy thing to trust and it's not a simple process to teach yourself to trust, and its not done overnight.

Know Yourself

   To know yourself is to be honest to yourself who you really are. Sometimes, we have the tendency to tell a lie about ourselves in fear of social comparison. Know your personality, what type are you? By knowing so, you will be able to find out your strength and limitations.... what you can do , what you can't and what you will never do. Being honest is humility. Honest enough to admit that you have a trust problem and you badly need a cure because you want to live peaceably with your loved ones. To deny will lead nowhere and will only make things worst than before.


Realize

Trust issue resulted from our painful experience of betrayal.

       Pangakong hindi tinupad.
       Pinaasa...pinaasa...pinaghintay sa wala.
       Niloko.... dinaya... binilog ang ulo.
       O sadyang, di lang talaga katiwa-tiwala ang kaharap mo.
       Whatever.

and can't trust anymore arise when we cannot overcome the feeling of being betrayed, and we tend to protect ourselves from being fooled again. But sometimes over protecting ourselves cause unhappiness.

It's alright to protect ourselves, but common sense says, anything over and beyond sometimes can hurt.


Life is full of risks. Relationships involve risks.

Any relationship has risk and humanly speaking, we all need to relate, and in relating we need to trust. Trusting in a relationship is like giving a piece of yourself without thinking or thinking a bit about what is going to be afterwards. Trusting is giving confidence to the other person, without thinking the pros and the cons; without doubt allowing your loved ones to feel that they are secured in your commitment. But what causes you to take the risk in trusting?

the one answer is ...because you love.

You cannot trust without love, or else its just plain business.

So the saying goes, " Kapag nasira ang tiwala di na maibabalik." (When trust is destroyed, it can never be brought back again.)

Let me contest that saying by:
Noong nasira ba ang tiwala mo, nabawasan ba ang pag-ibig mo? ( When your trust was breached, does your love decreased?)

It's shocking to know that love never decrease! It's just you love or you don't love at all. Love is borne or love vanished !
So when you mistrust, you simply are not in love,or your love has vanished like water vaporized in the air of doubts and pain.
Oh, maybe you love...you love yourself so you put your defenses up.

Check out... do you still love? or no more?

Betrayal has some after effects. 

One piece of paper is not enough to list the after effects of betrayal. I list them in my mind, then I sat down with a mug of coffee on hand and faced them. Facing the effects would mean forgiving the scene of betrayal; forgiving your offender and forgiving yourself for not being able to defend your feelings and your rights.

I ran the scene over and over again in my mind. My tears roll down for every re run of the scenario. The re runs didn't happen daily because the pain re surge every time and I can't help but cry. So the re runs happen within a year or so, and I never stopped until I felt that no more tears flow and I feel better. This is called  desensitization.

There are times I imagine the person who breached my trust, standing in-front of me and I speak to him aloud, telling him how hurt I was, and that I forgive him.
I looked like a fool but I did it not for anybody, but for myself.

It pays to heal yourself. Don't be afraid to take the step.



To Trust is to let go. Let go of the things you can't control because trust is an issue of self- competence.

Humans are prone to control. To control is to secure a comfort zone. To control is to protect ourselves -- our feelings, our honor, etc..etc. all pointed to ourselves. Is it bad to control? A small amount won't hurt but to be authoritarian in a relationship is another thing.

It is enlightening to know that we can't control other people's attitude and behavior, but we can control our responses towards them. When you like to trust, let go of your tendency to control the other person. Controlling your loved ones will just give you disappointments and misery. You just have to be confident within you that no negative things will happen. be confident in yourself, of what you can do and what you will become with your loved ones. Committing errors is human because we are prone to errors and mistakes. Even you commit errors. Besides, no one is perfect. We are not infinite beings; we have limitations and we are subject to changes. If you cannot take this truth, then don't force yourself to commit...stay alone to preserve yourself from the effects of human nature.

Be confident in your self. Be competent of who you are. Let go of your tendency to control. Be competent in the thought that no one is perfect ; you chose to trust because you are a good person, and you want your loved ones to grow in your love.



Because you can't control things out, seek the help of the One who has control of everything.

   Our strength and wisdom is limited. Our powers are limited. Why not seek the One who has control of all things and creation,and put your trust on Him that He is able to do secure you and your loved ones from impeding temptations, evils and negative events. Your trust issue can be solved when you learn to put your trust on someone much stronger than you, much wiser than you, most powerful, omniscient and omnipresent, able to handle your security, and able to wipe all your pains and will give you peace of mind and comfort while seeing your loved ones living their lives with you. If you can't trust your loved one, trust God. He will do the protecting for you.

 A faith in God is not bad, in fact, we all need Him.
Yeah, we all need Jesus in our lives. Maybe you don't need Him right now, but I tell you, time will come you will, and all of us will.



Trust

Take the step to trust, don't be afraid. Lakasan lang yn ng loob. Your happiness depends on it. Take your time. Don't hurry yourself.



Learn

Learn from your experiences. Journal them so you can go back to these learning someday. From these learning you will mature and gain wisdom.


" Wisdom is sweet to the bones."- AkoLangYun





Take time to love. take time to Trust. Godspeed!






Sinulat habang kumakain ng putoseko.

"You see?"

A couple in conflict came to me with 2 elders in the community, who wants to call it quit. The argument looks pretty senseless to me but it appeared a major problem to this couple because of cultural weight. I have said a lot just to keep them in-tack, even cattering to their emotion just to keep the marriage going. Replies from the couple came with tears... with my understanding na "ay naku, di ako maintindihan!". Until I resorted to the last weapon I know to make them understand and keep their marriage:

(In english)

"Don't you know that if you will be apart, you may enjoy it for the next 2 months, but you see it's lonely after those months! It's lonely to grow old alone and in our culture, you cannot re-marry. You see, you will feel the pain when hariraya, your birthday and new year come. It's difficult to sleep at night, alone because there will be no one there to hug you or care for you when you get sick. You see, it's what I wanna say... fight for your love!"

ang drama! grabe!

but once again... it works!

but i got the stress not because of the convincing power I let go out, but because of the last part of my statement!

I lost a husband,
I lost also a friend of long years,
And I lost friends, close friends..
The losing never stop.
Up to the last minute I said to myself:
"What else will I lose?"
I climbed a thousand Mt. Moriahs.
How many more Moriahs will I climb?

The problem with people is that during nights they are sleeping
while people like me are awake, thinking, praying, hoping... crying...silently,
so no one will hear. so no one will be disturbed.


Tomorrow I will travel again, will be very busy again.