i can feel pain...
but there is no tears....
i wanted to cry but tears can't make it out of my eyes.
but the pain numbs my soul...
i don't know where i will go
so the pain will go away.
i don't know what to do
to ease what i feel.
you were just a dream that i once knew.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My Calling- My Vow
I know it's quite difficult to understand.
This is how it goes-
Before I accepted Christ into my life, I was the loneliest person on earth. Though I have everything financially, there is nothing in my life that could make me smile. Yes, a smile on my face had a price! I was dying then, deprived of my youth, my family on the rocks, me & my brothers grew up separately from each other. I grew up apart from my parents & my brothers. I didn't know what a family looks & feel. I had no reason to smile nor live.
I was given till 21 to heal or else die. It didn't matter to me. As the disease progress in my body, the more I didn't care...I just flowed. I sought no healing. Let the morning come that I will not wake up anymore. Let the road engulf me..I didn't care where I might succumbed to its attack.
Then my mom knew Jesus Christ and believed Him, followed Him. And she patiently shared the gospel to my wayward father who was then with another woman. Her prayers, she said was day & night for my dad and us.
Her prayers were answered by God. My dad accepted Jesus in his heart. He changed & returned to my mom.
A friend of mine shared to me the gospel and afterwards I received Jesus in my heart. The cloud of loneliness left me and I smiled for the first time. I felt peace in spite of the sickness. But this time, the disease progressed so badly inside my body. Yet I received no healing from God. Until one day, it attacked in a place where it's not supposed to attack-- while am in a bus way home.
I made it in the door of our house and .... i had no more idea what has happened afterwards! All there was, was pain. pain. pain. I was bedridden for 2 months & hope was very bleak! My family had my grave prepared. But my father didn't give up praying for me.
But I have peace then.. a deep peace inside. Though I can no longer talk, my mind speaks. I remember I prayed to God, " Lord, Thy will be done in my life. I am ready to die, yet if You will give me a chance to live, I will serve You."
The Lord healed me in a miraculous way, in the Heart Center, too dramatic to recall. I underwent a series of testing to really be sure that I was healed.
I was healed! Indeed! And this means, I will serve Him and He wants it!
Years passed by but the prayer that I uttered in my mind to God remained alive inside me. Deep inside I know that one day I will return to God to serve Him. I know deep inside that I will serve Him in places I do not know. I know deep inside, He wants me to be a missionary of His Word. When & how, I did not know.
Years more passed by, unforgettable painful years passed by. So painful there are times I felt like giving up. But no! I remained firm & strong and I know God was aiding me along. I learned so much about a lot of things in life during those crucial & very painful years. The learnings I did not know for what they could be.
Then the time came that God called me to serve Him. And I said, "yes" to Him. He brought me to the tribe. Then it was clear that I will serve God among the tribes, the Muslim tribes. God so loved them that they have to know that it is Yahweh who is God and not Allah. And it is Jesus Christ who is the Saviour, not Mohammed. That the tribes' ancestral spirits are not God. And these people need to know that God loves them the way He loves me.
And I took a vow to serve Christ and His cause to the tribes. And so I am doing it up to now. And my life is not enough for what He has done for me.
I found out that callings from God are either inherited or bestowed upon to a person. In our family- it is both. I learned in our family tree that my great grand parents are missionaries. They founded the United Evangelical Church in our country.
In every generational line of every family in our family tree, there rise servants of God. They are either pastors, deacons & bible teachers and in our line falls the missionary call. My parents are missionaries to the tribes. My brothers are pastors. My daughters and my nephews & nieces are musicians & singers. And I, the only missionary in the family after my parents.
It is in this call that my smile never ends. My happiness is in doing it. And it's rewards are in heaven. It is a simple yet purposeful life. A rewarding life with the poor. It is living among them for them to know the Saviour, so they will go to heaven when they die, like me and you.
It is my prayer that God would grant me a husband who will accept my call for I cannot give up God and His service for the sake of love. A man who will love me for who and what I am in the Lord. For it is my vow.
There is nothing more so great than to serve God and spread the cause of Christ.
I am an MK and am proud of it!
This is how it goes-
Before I accepted Christ into my life, I was the loneliest person on earth. Though I have everything financially, there is nothing in my life that could make me smile. Yes, a smile on my face had a price! I was dying then, deprived of my youth, my family on the rocks, me & my brothers grew up separately from each other. I grew up apart from my parents & my brothers. I didn't know what a family looks & feel. I had no reason to smile nor live.
I was given till 21 to heal or else die. It didn't matter to me. As the disease progress in my body, the more I didn't care...I just flowed. I sought no healing. Let the morning come that I will not wake up anymore. Let the road engulf me..I didn't care where I might succumbed to its attack.
Then my mom knew Jesus Christ and believed Him, followed Him. And she patiently shared the gospel to my wayward father who was then with another woman. Her prayers, she said was day & night for my dad and us.
Her prayers were answered by God. My dad accepted Jesus in his heart. He changed & returned to my mom.
A friend of mine shared to me the gospel and afterwards I received Jesus in my heart. The cloud of loneliness left me and I smiled for the first time. I felt peace in spite of the sickness. But this time, the disease progressed so badly inside my body. Yet I received no healing from God. Until one day, it attacked in a place where it's not supposed to attack-- while am in a bus way home.
I made it in the door of our house and .... i had no more idea what has happened afterwards! All there was, was pain. pain. pain. I was bedridden for 2 months & hope was very bleak! My family had my grave prepared. But my father didn't give up praying for me.
But I have peace then.. a deep peace inside. Though I can no longer talk, my mind speaks. I remember I prayed to God, " Lord, Thy will be done in my life. I am ready to die, yet if You will give me a chance to live, I will serve You."
The Lord healed me in a miraculous way, in the Heart Center, too dramatic to recall. I underwent a series of testing to really be sure that I was healed.
I was healed! Indeed! And this means, I will serve Him and He wants it!
Years passed by but the prayer that I uttered in my mind to God remained alive inside me. Deep inside I know that one day I will return to God to serve Him. I know deep inside that I will serve Him in places I do not know. I know deep inside, He wants me to be a missionary of His Word. When & how, I did not know.
Years more passed by, unforgettable painful years passed by. So painful there are times I felt like giving up. But no! I remained firm & strong and I know God was aiding me along. I learned so much about a lot of things in life during those crucial & very painful years. The learnings I did not know for what they could be.
Then the time came that God called me to serve Him. And I said, "yes" to Him. He brought me to the tribe. Then it was clear that I will serve God among the tribes, the Muslim tribes. God so loved them that they have to know that it is Yahweh who is God and not Allah. And it is Jesus Christ who is the Saviour, not Mohammed. That the tribes' ancestral spirits are not God. And these people need to know that God loves them the way He loves me.
And I took a vow to serve Christ and His cause to the tribes. And so I am doing it up to now. And my life is not enough for what He has done for me.
I found out that callings from God are either inherited or bestowed upon to a person. In our family- it is both. I learned in our family tree that my great grand parents are missionaries. They founded the United Evangelical Church in our country.
In every generational line of every family in our family tree, there rise servants of God. They are either pastors, deacons & bible teachers and in our line falls the missionary call. My parents are missionaries to the tribes. My brothers are pastors. My daughters and my nephews & nieces are musicians & singers. And I, the only missionary in the family after my parents.
It is in this call that my smile never ends. My happiness is in doing it. And it's rewards are in heaven. It is a simple yet purposeful life. A rewarding life with the poor. It is living among them for them to know the Saviour, so they will go to heaven when they die, like me and you.
It is my prayer that God would grant me a husband who will accept my call for I cannot give up God and His service for the sake of love. A man who will love me for who and what I am in the Lord. For it is my vow.
There is nothing more so great than to serve God and spread the cause of Christ.
I am an MK and am proud of it!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
agatha
this day i don't know what to think anymore.
i have done the best i could to agatha..
my pure intentions were not rewarded,
for 2 years i considered myself a failure.
and now i am faced to its one of the many challenges.
among its challenges, this one is something too difficult for me to handle.
my name is at stake.
agatha is at stake.
most of its challenges i have handled and settled...this one remain untouched.
and in this one, i have already exhausted all my fuel and energy.
i got tired..so tired.
for i have exhausted already what i know.
and or this one i prayed:
my Lord God I commenced in Your hands Agatha
i have nothing more to do.
i failed.
Your greatest will be done.
this time Lord, do things for me.
and i will accept your will.
: (
i have done the best i could to agatha..
my pure intentions were not rewarded,
for 2 years i considered myself a failure.
and now i am faced to its one of the many challenges.
among its challenges, this one is something too difficult for me to handle.
my name is at stake.
agatha is at stake.
most of its challenges i have handled and settled...this one remain untouched.
and in this one, i have already exhausted all my fuel and energy.
i got tired..so tired.
for i have exhausted already what i know.
and or this one i prayed:
my Lord God I commenced in Your hands Agatha
i have nothing more to do.
i failed.
Your greatest will be done.
this time Lord, do things for me.
and i will accept your will.
: (
Sunday, June 20, 2010
You Are the One
It*s been two days....
I have received a note that touched the shield I have put around my heart so that no one can pass through to its chambers.
Yes, I admit. I have voluntarily afflicted myself with a two- year dose of " I, me and myself" shots to give time for my mind to heal of all the pain of my previous relationship, because I have grown numb to the word, "love".... I forgot the feelings. I forgot how to.
A gal friend of mine asked me, "how to know if you are in-love?" coz she, too, have forgotten how. I felt myself just staring at her and sling back the question to, followed with a loud laugh!
Intense and prolong pain makes you numb and insensitive. This happens to people who have lost their loved ones, or have failed relationships whose endings are worst.
The shield I placed was high and thick and yet here is one of the poems sent to me that cracked the shield I put around my heart, until shattering the shield into pieces.
Poems do not usually touch me. But this one was delivered unusually. The person took a stake at time just to find me and tell me how important I am in his life:
YOU ARE THE ONE
you*re the one i*ll always love,
who makes my life so colorful and bright.
you*re the one who touches my heart,
and fill my world with lots of love.
you*re the one i need so much,
who has a special way of turning my thoughts to romance.
you*re the one i keep dreaming about,
the one who inspires me so much.
a love so true i found in you.
i wonder what i*d do without you.
i hope no matter what
you will always be there for me.
you are the one...my life, my soul,
my everything,
only for you!
I don*t know what to say....
I have received a note that touched the shield I have put around my heart so that no one can pass through to its chambers.
Yes, I admit. I have voluntarily afflicted myself with a two- year dose of " I, me and myself" shots to give time for my mind to heal of all the pain of my previous relationship, because I have grown numb to the word, "love".... I forgot the feelings. I forgot how to.
A gal friend of mine asked me, "how to know if you are in-love?" coz she, too, have forgotten how. I felt myself just staring at her and sling back the question to, followed with a loud laugh!
Intense and prolong pain makes you numb and insensitive. This happens to people who have lost their loved ones, or have failed relationships whose endings are worst.
The shield I placed was high and thick and yet here is one of the poems sent to me that cracked the shield I put around my heart, until shattering the shield into pieces.
Poems do not usually touch me. But this one was delivered unusually. The person took a stake at time just to find me and tell me how important I am in his life:
YOU ARE THE ONE
you*re the one i*ll always love,
who makes my life so colorful and bright.
you*re the one who touches my heart,
and fill my world with lots of love.
you*re the one i need so much,
who has a special way of turning my thoughts to romance.
you*re the one i keep dreaming about,
the one who inspires me so much.
a love so true i found in you.
i wonder what i*d do without you.
i hope no matter what
you will always be there for me.
you are the one...my life, my soul,
my everything,
only for you!
I don*t know what to say....
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Nothing More Beautiful
there is nothing more beautiful
than you being here
in my world.
what is my world that
you should visit?
yet, you did!
and i am so thankful!
what could be more beautiful
than knowing
You are there.
watching, staying, staring,
can*t be seen,
can*t be touched.
but can be felt.
you
are like a soft wind from the west,
gently caressing the leaves of time,
of the unknown.
what could be more beautiful
than knowing
you love me?
yes, loving me
by someone as high as the heaven as you!
someone as complicated as the time.
someone as deep as the waters in the river
i always pass by...
i am amazed..
mesmerized...
appalled by this love.
but i know
i cannot reach you..
cannot touch you..
cannot know you..
i want to cross the bridge but
i don*t know how.
i want to touch the sky
but i don*t know how.
and i walk along this highway of life.
wondering... wondering...wandering.
my fear engulf me like a mist.
i cried.
and the rain fell upon my world,
and i remember: nothing can be more beautiful than knowing
it is you
and it is me.
and i walked away...
than you being here
in my world.
what is my world that
you should visit?
yet, you did!
and i am so thankful!
what could be more beautiful
than knowing
You are there.
watching, staying, staring,
can*t be seen,
can*t be touched.
but can be felt.
you
are like a soft wind from the west,
gently caressing the leaves of time,
of the unknown.
what could be more beautiful
than knowing
you love me?
yes, loving me
by someone as high as the heaven as you!
someone as complicated as the time.
someone as deep as the waters in the river
i always pass by...
i am amazed..
mesmerized...
appalled by this love.
but i know
i cannot reach you..
cannot touch you..
cannot know you..
i want to cross the bridge but
i don*t know how.
i want to touch the sky
but i don*t know how.
and i walk along this highway of life.
wondering... wondering...wandering.
my fear engulf me like a mist.
i cried.
and the rain fell upon my world,
and i remember: nothing can be more beautiful than knowing
it is you
and it is me.
and i walked away...
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