Wala akong maisulat.... na naman!! Bumababa na ang view score ng blog ko. Wala akong maisulat kasi ang daming laman ng utak ko na di kayang i-translate ng mga daliri ko! Masakit nag kalooban ko kaya naisip kong patawanin ang aking sarili.,... alalahanin ang mga korning bagay na nagawa ko, sadya at hindi sadya. Oo, aaminin ko na -- late bloomer ako, hindi dahil ipinanganak akong kulang sa buwan.... sakto ako sa siyam na buwan! Bkit ako late bloomer? Ei.... nanay ko rin-- hindi niya alam! Ako pa kaya ang makaalam?
Umpisahan ntin ang pag-alaala sa mga namayapa ko ng karanasan ...
mmmmmmm..........
Natatandaan ko, noong maliit pa ako ang daming halaman sa bakuran ng bahay namin. Paborito kong lugar ang garden ni Ina. Ayy, na miss ko bigla si Ina. Nakikita ko si Ina sa panaginip pag hindi na ako makahinga sa problema. Hindi ako natatakot kahit maraming mahigit isang dekada nang namayapa si Ina. Naaalala ko pa din ang kanyang garden. Noong pumunta ako sa Babatnin, pilit kong inaalala sa aking isip ang lugar ng kanyang garden. Paborito ko ang amoy ng adelfa sa kanyang garden. Alam ko na kung bakit down-to-earth ang beauty ko. Noong mga panahon kasing 'yun, trip kong tumikim ng bibinga ( basag na paso)! hahahaha!
Panlasa yata ang pangkilala ko ng mga bagay--- hindi naman ako bulag! Trip kong tikman ang lahat ng bulaklak sa hardin. Lipstick ko ang bulaklak ng Alembong at kwintas ko ang bulaklak ng calamansi. Nahahawakan ko pa ang mga palakang petot, at kaya ko pang dumakma ng palakang saging. Daigdig ko ang hardin ni Ina. Sa kawayanan namin, siyang-siya ako sa pagpapaputok ng mga bulaklak ng ligaw na strawberries. Maghalungkat ng mga pugad ng dagang bukid at hipan ang mga baboy-babuyan sa lupa.....ei, nakakaaliw isipin, masarap maging bata.
Sa Valenzuela naiba ang daigdig ko....lumaki, lumawak, ibang-iba.... naiba rin ang ugali ko. Natuto akong manapak at maging palaaway...lalo kapag natutukso akong pangit, negrita at ampon! Awtz!
Sabi ng kaibigan kong si Alexis, pinulot daw kasi ako sa bangka!
Pakiramdam ko nawawala ako noon....litong-lito at bobong-bobo! Uyyy nagkakamedalya pala sa Maynila ang mga bobong katulad ko! hahahahahahaha Boba ang negritang etitch!
May picture kami ng Birhen ng Lourdes. Marami itong dekorasyong pine cones. Nililinis ko ito araw-araw. "Gusto kong maging birhen balang araw." sa isip-isip ko. Ang ganda ng damit niyang asul at puti. "Ano kaya itsura ko kung birhen na ako?" tanong ko sa sarili ko. Biglang tumikom ang mga pine cones!! Nanlaki mga mata ko..tandang-tanda ko pa, pinipilit kong ibuka mga yun. Nagtataka ako. Magiging birhen ako?? Hahahaha!
Madaldal ako sa klase...madalas ako makurot ng teacher! Bakit ba hindi pa noon iniuso yung Child Abuse Law? Pero hindi ako napaparusahan ng pagdipa sa harap ng blackboard, kasi laging inaako ng pinsan ko ang parusa sa akin.
Pero noong high school na ako, naging demure na ang beauty ko. Ikaw ba naman ang papremyuhan ng palo at kurot kapag kilos lalaki ka, madaldal at takbo ng takbo...at praktisin sa tuwi-tuwina ng
"Ganito ang tamang paglakad ng isang babae!" Pak!
"Ganito magsalita ang isang babae!" Aww
"Ganito maupo ang isang babae!" Aaaaa
"Ganito kumain ang isang babae !" grrr
Ganito mabwisit ang isang babaeng pinipilit maging maria clara!
REBOLUSYON!!! PUNITIN ANG MGA DYARYO SA KUSINA!!!!
Hayy buhay!
Minsan, may taglay din akong katamaran .... ikaw na masipag!
Umaakyat na lang ako sa puno pag gusto ko kumain ng bayabas at star epol....sabay balibag sa bubong ng kapitbahay ang mga balat nito. Kahit naman hanggang ngayon, sa ilalim nlang ng puno ng saging ko kinakain ang mga saba..... fresh from the banana tree!
Tinutruan akong manalangin noong maliit ako...pero dumarating yung napapagod kang manalangin sa dami ng hinaharap mong suliranin. isinulat ko mga prayers ko sa papel..inilatag ko sa bubong bahay at hiniling ko na God na lng ang magbasa para sa akin. Ngayon tinatanong ko kung nabasa kaya ng God? Pinatulan kaya ng God ang ginawa ko?
Kung mainit at ayoko magpaypay.... inilalatag ko ang aking comforter sa terrace kong kawayan, di baleng masilaw sa liwanag ng buwan, wag lng magpaypay.Di baleng gisingin ng pagkalbit ng mga patpat na hawak ng mga bata....nakalawit ang aking mga paa sa silat ng kawayan.
Minsan ko ng sinubok ang Dios.... " Lord, wala akong pera...heto ang kahon, lagyan mo ng pera. Wait ko ha, matutulog muna ako. Dapat pag gising ko, may pera na sa loob ng kahon. Hmmmm... pwede bang gawin mong P2000 ang ilagay mo sa kahon?" ... sasabayan ko ng tulog.... at ang kahon? nasa terrace, matiyagang naghihintay sa kamay ng Dios, sa ilalim ng sinag ng buwan! Pag gising ko sa umaga...puno ang kahon.... puno ng tubig hamog! nyahahahahha
Akala mo si Gideon lng ang may twalyang tuyo? Ako din..
"Iyan ba ang lalaking para sa akin? O Lord, pag tuyo ang twalyang ito sa umaga...siya na nga!" Inilatag ko ang twalya sa damuhan sa ilalim ng gabi. Kinaumagahan, tuyo nga ang twalya..... may pumulot kasi at isinampay sa loob ng bahay!
Hindi ako takot mamatay...ewan ko kung bakit...siguro kasi handa ako kahit naong oras. Handa akong humarap sa Dios anytime. Wala akong pakialam kung walang katig ang bangka o may butas. Basta, wag lng mababasa cellphone ko!
Ayan tinatamad na naman ako.... may sumisignal sa likod ng utak ko na.. "Tama na...lasing ka ba?"
"Hindi ah."
Tinatamad na nga ako.... hayy salamat, tinamad din ako! hahahahahaha
gudnyt
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Lulay sa Dapit-umaga
it's 1:11 am...thursday.
Isang oras na tumigil ang pagsusulat ko..... nakatingin lng sa monitor..... nakasalpak ang headset sa tenga....."Maybe" by Secondhand Serenade.
Hindi ko alam iisipin ko... kapag pala sobrang masakit isipin ang isang bagay, hindi ka makakaiyak.
Tama ang mga nararamdaman ko. Tama ang mga nakita ko noon.
Ano ba ginagawa ko dito?
Bakit ako nagtitiis?
Bakit ako nanahimik?
Bakit pinalalampas ko na lng ang mga bagay na hindi ko magustuhan?
Ano meron sa kalooban ko?
Hindi ako mabait.
Hindi ako mabuting tao.
May mga nagagawa din akong mali.
Ginagawa ko lang ang mga bagay kasi masaya akong gawin ang 'yun.
Wala na akong ibang dahilan.
Ibig sbihin ba nagtitiis ako dahil masaya akong ginagawa ang pagtitiis?
Hindi.
Masakit ang magtiis. Pero bakit?
Kasi cguro mahal ko ang mga tao sa mundo ko.
Ako ba, mahal nila?
Bakit sa tuwing lalapit ako sa Dios, naiiyak ako?
Kasi mahal Niya ako. Ramdam ko un.
Bakit pag iniisip ko ang mga pangit na damdaming bunga ng mga naririnig ko
Hindi ako naiiyak..
Ang mga tao... hindi ako naiiyak.
Siguro, hindi ko kasi nararamdamang mahal nila ako.
Ang nararamdaman ko lang...kasi kailangan nila ako.
Sa panahon ng aking pag-iisa
ng kalungkutan....( marunong din akong malungkot)
ng hirap
at pagtitiis... ng pananahimik..
kape ang kasama ko!
ayun eh!
Di bale isang araw, mawawala din ako.
Hindi na ako babalik.
Hindi na ako makikita pa.
Ilan ang iiyak?
Ilan ang maghahanap?
Gaya noong araw....
Gaya noong araw......
Isang oras na tumigil ang pagsusulat ko..... nakatingin lng sa monitor..... nakasalpak ang headset sa tenga....."Maybe" by Secondhand Serenade.
Hindi ko alam iisipin ko... kapag pala sobrang masakit isipin ang isang bagay, hindi ka makakaiyak.
Tama ang mga nararamdaman ko. Tama ang mga nakita ko noon.
Ano ba ginagawa ko dito?
Bakit ako nagtitiis?
Bakit ako nanahimik?
Bakit pinalalampas ko na lng ang mga bagay na hindi ko magustuhan?
Ano meron sa kalooban ko?
Hindi ako mabait.
Hindi ako mabuting tao.
May mga nagagawa din akong mali.
Ginagawa ko lang ang mga bagay kasi masaya akong gawin ang 'yun.
Wala na akong ibang dahilan.
Ibig sbihin ba nagtitiis ako dahil masaya akong ginagawa ang pagtitiis?
Hindi.
Masakit ang magtiis. Pero bakit?
Kasi cguro mahal ko ang mga tao sa mundo ko.
Ako ba, mahal nila?
Bakit sa tuwing lalapit ako sa Dios, naiiyak ako?
Kasi mahal Niya ako. Ramdam ko un.
Bakit pag iniisip ko ang mga pangit na damdaming bunga ng mga naririnig ko
Hindi ako naiiyak..
Ang mga tao... hindi ako naiiyak.
Siguro, hindi ko kasi nararamdamang mahal nila ako.
Ang nararamdaman ko lang...kasi kailangan nila ako.
Sa panahon ng aking pag-iisa
ng kalungkutan....( marunong din akong malungkot)
ng hirap
at pagtitiis... ng pananahimik..
kape ang kasama ko!
ayun eh!
Di bale isang araw, mawawala din ako.
Hindi na ako babalik.
Hindi na ako makikita pa.
Ilan ang iiyak?
Ilan ang maghahanap?
Gaya noong araw....
Gaya noong araw......
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Not over yet
A friend of mine visited me one night. We didn't see each other for quite a long time. It was an unexpected visit because I don't expect him to see me again. We had a little argument before.. an argument that led me to distance from him and our other friends.
We took tea at Figaro' and had a formal talk. He knows me.. I never smile at a delinquent friend. He held out his hands and gave me the handshake only us recognize.
"Where have you been? What have you been doing? " he asked me.
" The usual." I said.
" Why on earth did you chose to live in that place?"
" I like it there.. I can see the left from the right."
"When are you going to transfer to Manila?" he asked.
" In time." I said.
" I feel so old. I feel like am 60 years old." he said.. " since I took the rest. " he said.
"Because you rested". I replied.
"Aren't you?" he asked in return.
" I did. Am a lovergirl now." I took a grin.
" Bruha, di bagay sau!" he retorted.
" No kidding, I feel am old..so old." he repeated.
I looked at him and I said, "yeah, you are. "
"It is not good that I rest...five years is too long. I feel so old."
" It is. We age when we rest. I lose my sight when I rest." I said.
We ate.
"What is the point of seeing me tonight?" I asked.
" Don't you want to stop resting? There are tournaments now. The prizes are not bad. The ranks are on a plateau." he answered.
" I have beaten my swords into plowshares two years ago. "
The conversation was long. The atmosphere got warmed -up........ and a riot happened just outside Figaro building.
"We are attracting violence, let's walk and find another coffee shop."
We were talking about spiritual matters. He was asking me to go back to warfare. We are a team. For 16 years, we were able to established a team that made a tract record in both worlds, altering and changing some of the unchangeable things, yet we were not recognized in the limelight... darkness knows who we are and so darn eager to annihilate our team. For so many times did the cults and the occult took a look at us, face to face, with minds speaking of threats and curses. So many times did they ran to our houses to harm us but the power of Jesus Christ drove them away.
Christ's blood is so powerful to cover my family to keep them safe.
"Engage. Let's go back." he said.
We headed home. A small child rode the jeepney we were in. He was a little boy talking about how he was agravated by his brother who snatched a cellphone from someone.
That is enough.
The spiritual warfare is similar in some ways to online war games like Wings of Destiny, Gods' War, Warcraft and the like in scenario... one has to level up, know skills and enhance them. But the fighting are different. The physical skills must be there together with the spiritual skills, both operating at one time. Accuracy and perfection of plans must be strictly carried out. One cannot afford to commit a mistake. A mistake will cause a nation's demise, or whatever. God's plan will not be perfectly carried out if there is a mistake. We only hear from heaven-- commands and instructions. And the battle is real, in the heavenlies.
"How much is the price in the tournament in Mindanao?" I asked.
"Maliit lng. "
" Ok. I will join."
"May bagyo,....c Pablo." he said.
" La un... makikiraan lng un."
I can't take the face of that child from my mind.
I cannot stop.
We took tea at Figaro' and had a formal talk. He knows me.. I never smile at a delinquent friend. He held out his hands and gave me the handshake only us recognize.
"Where have you been? What have you been doing? " he asked me.
" The usual." I said.
" Why on earth did you chose to live in that place?"
" I like it there.. I can see the left from the right."
"When are you going to transfer to Manila?" he asked.
" In time." I said.
" I feel so old. I feel like am 60 years old." he said.. " since I took the rest. " he said.
"Because you rested". I replied.
"Aren't you?" he asked in return.
" I did. Am a lovergirl now." I took a grin.
" Bruha, di bagay sau!" he retorted.
" No kidding, I feel am old..so old." he repeated.
I looked at him and I said, "yeah, you are. "
"It is not good that I rest...five years is too long. I feel so old."
" It is. We age when we rest. I lose my sight when I rest." I said.
We ate.
"What is the point of seeing me tonight?" I asked.
" Don't you want to stop resting? There are tournaments now. The prizes are not bad. The ranks are on a plateau." he answered.
" I have beaten my swords into plowshares two years ago. "
The conversation was long. The atmosphere got warmed -up........ and a riot happened just outside Figaro building.
"We are attracting violence, let's walk and find another coffee shop."
We were talking about spiritual matters. He was asking me to go back to warfare. We are a team. For 16 years, we were able to established a team that made a tract record in both worlds, altering and changing some of the unchangeable things, yet we were not recognized in the limelight... darkness knows who we are and so darn eager to annihilate our team. For so many times did the cults and the occult took a look at us, face to face, with minds speaking of threats and curses. So many times did they ran to our houses to harm us but the power of Jesus Christ drove them away.
Christ's blood is so powerful to cover my family to keep them safe.
"Engage. Let's go back." he said.
We headed home. A small child rode the jeepney we were in. He was a little boy talking about how he was agravated by his brother who snatched a cellphone from someone.
That is enough.
The spiritual warfare is similar in some ways to online war games like Wings of Destiny, Gods' War, Warcraft and the like in scenario... one has to level up, know skills and enhance them. But the fighting are different. The physical skills must be there together with the spiritual skills, both operating at one time. Accuracy and perfection of plans must be strictly carried out. One cannot afford to commit a mistake. A mistake will cause a nation's demise, or whatever. God's plan will not be perfectly carried out if there is a mistake. We only hear from heaven-- commands and instructions. And the battle is real, in the heavenlies.
"How much is the price in the tournament in Mindanao?" I asked.
"Maliit lng. "
" Ok. I will join."
"May bagyo,....c Pablo." he said.
" La un... makikiraan lng un."
I can't take the face of that child from my mind.
I cannot stop.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Selah
It's 2:30am.... I have to write this bago aq mag expire to sleep and continue with my endless work the next day... in case I forget.
A hot black coffee and mamon is a good way to relax while writing this post, drifting back to many weeks that pass by. Countless disappointments, frustrations, tiredness due to overwork, overplay and over rest ! Over talaga! I became so irritated, cranky, sickly, jealous and withdrawn... yes, withdrawn! I stayed away from friends and people. . Yes, when you over do things, you will end up with feelings like mine. Until guilt came in because I tend to over react even over simple matters... I felt guilt sipping in coupled with loneliness.... I wanna die! Even in games I capped my taunt, "Pls. kill me." Avatar na lng di pa pinatawad. And I noticed am losing the glow on my skin. My samsonite hair shew some changes that seems to tell me I have to do something.
Our body has the capacity to heal itself along with our capacity to kill it without using any weapon. I slept long. I want to be revive. I went to the church, the songs we sang spoke to my heart,
"yes, I am wrong but I don't have the strength to undo what I did, nor have the strength not to do the things I must not do."
" yes, I know what to do but how will I do it?"
" all I can say is, "Am sorry. I am wrong. please forgive me."
My heart is void of words to say my prayers, that all I can say is.,
"You know me even before time, You know my thoughts and my heart, please understand what I want to say. Am void of words."
And I heard the word, "Selah !" in a command tense.
Selah is a Hebrew word which means " Pause and Breath "
Take a Selah !, my spirit groans.
I did.
And the Lord said in my heart, as if I am a novice in front of Him. His Word echoed in the place.
There is no sin that God the Father in heaven cannot forgive when you receive Jesus in your heart.
No sin he cannot wash away and no sin stain he cannot make white when you ask His forgiveness through faith in Christ.
God is a father not a taskmaster, nor a judge, instead He Himself made a solution for us to avoid judgement before Him, He sent Jesus to take the judgement and punishment which is supposed to be ours, upon Himself.
And I said, "I'm sorry, forgive me. I am forgetting." And these words flashed on the overhead screen:
Jesus said, " Come unto Me, ALL you who are weary and are burdened and I will give you REST..."
(Matthew 11:28)
"Come now and let us reason together, says the Lord : No matter how deep the stain f your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean, as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool." ( Isaiah 1:18)
I rest my case. I took a Selah..... my long walk became a time to speak with God. I want my old me.
" You are very tired and you have forgotten to sit with Me. Your soul is so weary. You have forgotten that your joy is not on the things that surround you, it is inside your heart where My Spirit is. The normal life you want is not the normal life I designed for you. You will die when you depart from your design. You will wither like the flowers in your vase. I am your air. I am your life. I am your youth. I am your Father." says the Lord.
Rest.
Rest in the Lord.
Christ Commission Fellowhip (CCF), Malolos City
A hot black coffee and mamon is a good way to relax while writing this post, drifting back to many weeks that pass by. Countless disappointments, frustrations, tiredness due to overwork, overplay and over rest ! Over talaga! I became so irritated, cranky, sickly, jealous and withdrawn... yes, withdrawn! I stayed away from friends and people. . Yes, when you over do things, you will end up with feelings like mine. Until guilt came in because I tend to over react even over simple matters... I felt guilt sipping in coupled with loneliness.... I wanna die! Even in games I capped my taunt, "Pls. kill me." Avatar na lng di pa pinatawad. And I noticed am losing the glow on my skin. My samsonite hair shew some changes that seems to tell me I have to do something.
Our body has the capacity to heal itself along with our capacity to kill it without using any weapon. I slept long. I want to be revive. I went to the church, the songs we sang spoke to my heart,
"yes, I am wrong but I don't have the strength to undo what I did, nor have the strength not to do the things I must not do."
" yes, I know what to do but how will I do it?"
" all I can say is, "Am sorry. I am wrong. please forgive me."
My heart is void of words to say my prayers, that all I can say is.,
"You know me even before time, You know my thoughts and my heart, please understand what I want to say. Am void of words."
And I heard the word, "Selah !" in a command tense.
Selah is a Hebrew word which means " Pause and Breath "
Take a Selah !, my spirit groans.
I did.
And the Lord said in my heart, as if I am a novice in front of Him. His Word echoed in the place.
There is no sin that God the Father in heaven cannot forgive when you receive Jesus in your heart.
No sin he cannot wash away and no sin stain he cannot make white when you ask His forgiveness through faith in Christ.
God is a father not a taskmaster, nor a judge, instead He Himself made a solution for us to avoid judgement before Him, He sent Jesus to take the judgement and punishment which is supposed to be ours, upon Himself.
And I said, "I'm sorry, forgive me. I am forgetting." And these words flashed on the overhead screen:
Jesus said, " Come unto Me, ALL you who are weary and are burdened and I will give you REST..."
(Matthew 11:28)
"Come now and let us reason together, says the Lord : No matter how deep the stain f your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean, as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool." ( Isaiah 1:18)
I rest my case. I took a Selah..... my long walk became a time to speak with God. I want my old me.
" You are very tired and you have forgotten to sit with Me. Your soul is so weary. You have forgotten that your joy is not on the things that surround you, it is inside your heart where My Spirit is. The normal life you want is not the normal life I designed for you. You will die when you depart from your design. You will wither like the flowers in your vase. I am your air. I am your life. I am your youth. I am your Father." says the Lord.
Rest.
Rest in the Lord.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
His Name
Zebadaiah (Zeb) means a "gift from God" "Jehovah bestowed", from I Chrnicles 27:7.. Zebadaiah is military man of the 4th Army division f Israel. A levite, son of Asahel,
Zephanaiah (Zeph) means " The Lord has protected", "The Lord has hidden". - the prophet sent by God to Judah to pronounce His judgement. (Book of Zephaniah)
Zechariah - means " the Lord remembers". Zechariah is a Hebrew prophet in the Bible. He was the one who saw the visions of the "horsemen, 4 horns and craftsmen, the measuring line, flying scroll and etc..", who told the Isarelites to return t the Lord and rebuild the temple. His was the famous saying," not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit. saith the Lord." (Zechariah 4:6)
Looking at Zeb, he is just 1 month old in the picture, I can see what his name means and the life he will take someday. I wonder if his parents knows what his name will be to him when he grows up. And have they thought about that this child deserves a training that will unleash his destiny and make him a someone today.
Here is a baby, not an ordinary baby.... I can see the spirit of God in his eyes, not because he is my grandson but because indeed, Zeb is a gift from God a sign that God remembers His covenant to us.
Zeb's birth made me laugh!
Mmmm... perhaps teaching Zeb how to make waves someday is fun.. hahahahahhaha
Do you know what your name means? Your name is somehow connected to your life.
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