Why

It's already noon and still I'm sitting here..I have work to attend to but I simply don't want to go to work. It's one of those days again.... I want to hit the road, go North and enjoy the fresh breeze of the northern counties. All I want to do is go places. I am not depressed...am simply is tired...my mind is already tired thinking of things.... a lot of things.

If I will be given another life to live after these...then I have nothing more to wish to do but enjoy the chance of happiness the Lord designed for me. I'd like to see it and feel it and stay with it till the last minute of my time life...the chance to be with someone a much longer time. A someone whom I can call mine.

Is it bad? Is it offending? Nope. I'm so sure it's not. God knows it and He feels the same way we do and He knows what's lacking. Today, am enjoying the gift of freedom. Doing things for my family and other people I do not know. Staking my life for them, forgetting myself. Yes, I have nothing for myself.. I know it! My friends said, set aside for myself...money I guess it must be. But, all I know one day, He will set aside something for me...only for me.

So much for it...it's the wish of all single women in the world...and it's not an ugly wish!

What can I be afraid of? Fear has numb my soul since then..
Why should I be afraid of death? I have died already a lot of times.
Why should I be afraid of being alone? I've been alone since the beginning.
What am I to lose? I have lost everything already.
Why should I hope for more? Because there's more things up there for me.

Love your life..it's a precious gift from God until you know it.

Missy

Tracy's blue-eyed deaf kitten slipped out of our door unnoticed by everyone. Her absence was only noticed when the time for her med came. It's signal number 1, very windy, dark and raining--we all went outside the house to the street to look for Missy.

After 3 hours of looking around the neighborhood, we gave up. While eating our dinner at 9:30pm, Tracy started crying. What can a mom do but to console her child. We all hoped that Missy will come back tomorrow morning. Oh, we all decided to resume our search tomorrow morning. I have an appointment at 9am tomorrow but I decided to cancel it to join my daughters' search for our Missy.

As I watch my daughters who are quietly sitting in-front of our television....I know they are thinking about our kitten...it's raining outside and Missy's undergoing treatment for her deafness, abnormal tear gland and colds....I can feel what's in their minds.

I wanted to join with them but I kept my composure. Instead I spent my time in Farmville. But my mind is wandering.....where is Missy?

As I stand by the door looking at the road which Missy might have taken, I can't help but remember that way back then someone left without any reason and never came back....

The loss brought so much pain and tears.

Missy brought back the memory.

I didn't cry. I just remembered..I don't remember the pain anymore but I can't forget the face.Now that person is coming back after much realization but I already closed the door behind. I decided not to look back again.

That's why I like it this way. I'm tired of goodbyes. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of moving on again and again. Simply...I'm tired.

Next time?

Next time.....

Thankful

It was a night where my curiosity stroke every corner of my life.
I went here, to and fro.
I browsed every picture, every item, everything,
My head spin when I came across one place,
as if my world blackened, I have no words to say..

but

Am so thankful you came again
and found a reason to stay.
Am so glad you are here
found me again.

The black cloud rolled away
and my head stopped spinning.

and I realized
I've come too far to look back!

My Pain

i can feel pain...

but there is no tears....

i wanted to cry but tears can't make it out of my eyes.

but the pain numbs my soul...

i don't know where i will go

so the pain will go away.

i don't know what to do

to ease what i feel.


you were just a dream that i once knew.

My Calling- My Vow

I know it's quite difficult to understand.
This is how it goes-

Before I accepted Christ into my life, I was the loneliest person on earth. Though I have everything financially, there is nothing in my life that could make me smile. Yes, a smile on my face had a price! I was dying then, deprived of my youth, my family on the rocks, me & my brothers grew up separately from each other. I grew up apart from my parents & my brothers. I didn't know what a family looks & feel. I had no reason to smile nor live.

I was given till 21 to heal or else die. It didn't matter to me. As the disease progress in my body, the more I didn't care...I just flowed. I sought no healing. Let the morning come that I will not wake up anymore. Let the road engulf me..I didn't care where I might succumbed to its attack.

Then my mom knew Jesus Christ and believed Him, followed Him. And she patiently shared the gospel to my wayward father who was then with another woman. Her prayers, she said was day & night for my dad and us.

Her prayers were answered by God. My dad accepted Jesus in his heart. He changed & returned to my mom.

A friend of mine shared to me the gospel and afterwards I received Jesus in my heart. The cloud of loneliness left me and I smiled for the first time. I felt peace in spite of the sickness. But this time, the disease progressed so badly inside my body. Yet I received no healing from God. Until one day, it attacked in a place where it's not supposed to attack-- while am in a bus way home.
I made it in the door of our house and .... i had no more idea what has happened afterwards! All there was, was pain. pain. pain. I was bedridden for 2 months & hope was very bleak! My family had my grave prepared. But my father didn't give up praying for me.

But I have peace then.. a deep peace inside. Though I can no longer talk, my mind speaks. I remember I prayed to God, " Lord, Thy will be done in my life. I am ready to die, yet if You will give me a chance to live, I will serve You."

The Lord healed me in a miraculous way, in the Heart Center, too dramatic to recall. I underwent a series of testing to really be sure that I was healed.
I was healed! Indeed! And this means, I will serve Him and He wants it!

Years passed by but the prayer that I uttered in my mind to God remained alive inside me. Deep inside I know that one day I will return to God to serve Him. I know deep inside that I will serve Him in places I do not know. I know deep inside, He wants me to be a missionary of His Word. When & how, I did not know.

Years more passed by, unforgettable painful years passed by. So painful there are times I felt like giving up. But no! I remained firm & strong and I know God was aiding me along. I learned so much about a lot of things in life during those crucial & very painful years. The learnings I did not know for what they could be.

Then the time came that God called me to serve Him. And I said, "yes" to Him. He brought me to the tribe. Then it was clear that I will serve God among the tribes, the Muslim tribes. God so loved them that they have to know that it is Yahweh who is God and not Allah. And it is Jesus Christ who is the Saviour, not Mohammed. That the tribes' ancestral spirits are not God. And these people need to know that God loves them the way He loves me.

And I took a vow to serve Christ and His cause to the tribes. And so I am doing it up to now. And my life is not enough for what He has done for me.

I found out that callings from God are either inherited or bestowed upon to a person. In our family- it is both. I learned in our family tree that my great grand parents are missionaries. They founded the United Evangelical Church in our country.

In every generational line of every family in our family tree, there rise servants of God. They are either pastors, deacons & bible teachers and in our line falls the missionary call. My parents are missionaries to the tribes. My brothers are pastors. My daughters and my nephews & nieces are musicians & singers. And I, the only missionary in the family after my parents.

It is in this call that my smile never ends. My happiness is in doing it. And it's rewards are in heaven. It is a simple yet purposeful life. A rewarding life with the poor. It is living among them for them to know the Saviour, so they will go to heaven when they die, like me and you.

It is my prayer that God would grant me a husband who will accept my call for I cannot give up God and His service for the sake of love. A man who will love me for who and what I am in the Lord. For it is my vow.

There is nothing more so great than to serve God and spread the cause of Christ.

I am an MK and am proud of it!