My Love Is Like The Rain

It's been two months, away from this blog. Because there are no words to describe what's in my mind, I chose to be silent about what I see, feel and find. I hope the words that I coined here fit...

I wish I could forget and live again,

but no.
It's still here.

here though I'm walking forward without looking back.

here despite the discouragements
and insults.

here seeing no wrong doings
but good things.

needing no explanations nor reasons.

yes, it's still here.

but between us is a river
whose bridge no one dares to cross
to reach the other.

because of fear.

and us became like mist over the waters,
waiting for the sun's heat to rise,
and we will disappear.

but mists we are,
vapors we will become, in the sky
we will be RAIN
that will water the earth beneath.

and my love is like the rain.

Climbing Mt. Moriah the 2nd Time

Mt. Moriah was the mountain where Abraham offered Isaac to God, as requested by God to test Abraham. The offering of Isaac did not materialized because God sent a ram in place of Isaac.

Bible teachers use this story to tell about letting go of things when the Lord request it to for reasons we sometimes do not know. Only He knows.

I moved to that "mountain" when I went to China. As the Lord commanded me to. My letting go of the school, and the people who made my life sad, my fears, my pains, and sadness, took place when the airplane took off the ground! There was an amazing peace within! And the Almighty went ahead of me to China!

I was ready then to change my career, my financial and my social status. I took the "silent mode" that made a lot of friends wondered! That silent mode is still on today.

I didn't regret my decision, though a tough one. I can't explain the serenity inside.

When I returned to the Philippines this month, after 2 weeks of going back and forth to the tribe, the heavens shocked me with surprises!

Those that I lost was restored to me by the Lord!

And I can feel that many more will come where I will say to God " Indeed, it is well with my soul!"


There was no substitute offering in Moriah. Only a simple trust and letting go.


"It is well with my soul."

Silence Overtook Me

A lot of books offers advises on lots of life's issues. Many coaching groups give mindsetting truths to many business and life matters. None of them will say that meeting and succeeding on your issues are easy. All of them will say that..."it all depends on you!"

Yes, a lot of people that surrounds you seem like experts on a lot of issues and things and you get confused!

Above all things, above all words and advises.. the truth that matters is you!






And the truth that matters now is me!

Me, because I chose to listen to only One- the One who designed my life.
Me, because I chose to take a break and breath for a while.
Me, because I decide to love myself again.

I have worked hard for many, many years without a vacation. I have given my time, energy and everything to my family and other people. I have gone tired and lost what's inside... so I took the time out to be silent for a long time.


Silence doesn't always mean anger and sadness.

This time, silence means growth and change.

Free!

I took control. I let go of Agatha. When I went back to Manila, offers came to get Agatha and I chose the right person to take it. So I let go of Agatha, and we are now in the process of turning it over. A friend of mine got it.

I took control, pursuing my calling.

I took control, in holding what the Lord promised me...and I have peace now.

I feel free.

It's just a matter of decision to control myself from taking the other way, from being tempted to other offers which I will be the one in control again of Agatha. To control myself from taking over again.

I decided to enjoy my life with what little I have and what calling I have, setting aside the people and things that will lead me away from this. I hold on to the more beautiful things that will come one day, the bigger picture, the better happiness! And i found that "life is much beautiful now than before!".


" and i stand here before You
in wide open wonder
amazed at the glory of You.
the power of heaven,
revealing Your purpose in me,
as i'm reaching for You!"


and I look back along EDSA, and smell the familiar scent again that lingered once in my mind.. there is no tears anymore.


"Lord everyday i need You more,
on wings of heaven I will soar with You..."

Control

I want to be in control.

Reading through the blog posts in Create Abundance 2020.net, I discovered that I share the same outlook as the other leaders there.

"You cannot let other people, circumstances, finances, environment, etc to control you if you want to succeed. You should be in control."

That's where our brain is for.

"Fear of becoming who we are hinders us from being in control."

That's true! and... fear of risking to fail!


My business has no money as capital, yet it's running. I need capital but none among those I asked to invest, or buy wants to take the risk... because of the recession!
So what must I do now?
I took control of its finances. But honestly, I need to be more financially educated. So I made and entree' to CA2020.
Does my being in control contradict my faith? I don't think so. For God has given us human brains to think and use the thoughts we formulated in our brains. Still God will be glorified!
Nobody wants my school-- I will run it again!

I don't need to enter the rat race to fill up the need. I will kill myself. I need to look at my asset, or find another asset who will fill up the school's needs until the school can run by itself though its own money. So I need to go home earlier than September 26.

Then I need to sit down. Ask some coaching. Make a plan. Execute the plan.

I have to retire by 46 and spend some of my fruitful time traveling.


My farm in Facebook gave me a lesson also. I started farming without coins and farm money. I over cultivated my soil. But I have 2 plots of grown strawberries ready for harvest. That 2 plots gave me my initial money! Eventually I ended up cutting up my plowed land to reduce my expenses and allow the remaining land to grow plants.. then after marketting my harvest, am now ready to expand again!

My night this night is not wasted! So I will buy my plane ticket back to Manila tomorrow!!

Yahooo!

Why?

why i can't seem to forget?

maybe because i have loved so dearly, truly and purely...

Great Things Here

It's my 3rd day without work. And it's my 3rd day on job hunting in this unfamiliar place of Macau.
Many wondered why I rather give up my school and seek a job in this far place. Why not in the Philippines? Why abroad?
My family also wondered why I chose to take lesser jobs than my position in the Philippines.
Was it because of money?
Or was it because of something else?

Both.

I want to heal myself.
I want to do what I want to do.
I want to be who I must be.
I don't want to think anymore.
I wanted change!
Because I'm already tired!

I know I will come back again to the Philippines but it must be a new me.
And I know now why am resting till the 3rd day:
To realize a lot more deeper things in life.
And am willing to take the risk just to get the new me and my new horizon.

I know for some people my decision hurt. But it'll be for a while. Soon they will understand.


My acknowledgement to the following:

1. God for the 3rd day rest.
2. My friends and family in the Philippines for not texting me.
I had plenty of time to think, re-think and be alone with myself.
3. My brother for the milk tea, refreshing my "diwa" after the long process of realization.
4. Bea Alonzo and Sam Milby for the movie " And I Love You So"
5. Bea Alonzo and John Lloyd for their movie " One More Chance"


My few accomplishments in Macau:

1. Eat longanisa and drink ice tea. (Wala akong magawa, kailangan eh!)
2. Sleep without blanket. ( it's so hot in here! Grabe!)
3. Sleep with just one pillow. (Matipid and brother ko, ayaw bumili ng maraming pillows.)
4. Be in an airconditioned house the whole day! ( beating my allergies away!)
5. Learn computer operations beyond what I already know. (or else, wala akong makakausap at
di makakapag work.).
6. Magtipid

Life is boring when you do not want to extend yourself to your environment. When you want to keep what you know is right but is not right for the moment.

This Sleepless Night

Life is still beautiful in spite of so many negative things around. I am a survivor and will remain a survivor while am alive... and still life for me is beautiful!

I'm sleepless tonight. I'm thinking again.

1. I'm selling my school. I want to pursue my calling.
2. I want to be rich.
3. When will the one for me will come?

That's what in my mind.

I have learned that destiny is a choice and you can control your life, and choose where to go. I have chosen where I want to go and what to do. But many things want me back to my comfort zone. Something "Who moved my Cheese?" said is normal. I don't want there anymore! There is excitement in finding new cheeses!

Walking along the lighted and beautiful streets of Macau in City of Dreams, Venetian and the City itself, I can't help concluding that man's mind seem limitless in materializing whatever is in his imagination. So I said to myself, that I can materialize whatever is in my dreams. I need to make a bridge between my dream and reality, even though I am alone in doing it. Who cares?

Meeting Carol amazed me. She's a teacher in China and only 25 years old, and single. She's done it and I said, I'm not truly alone. There are a lot of people out there like me, and we are many! And the feelings and questions I have are not peculiar- they're real and everyone else's feeling it!
And I began to love myself more and my daughters.

I learned to be braver and stronger... in Macau!

This is just a vacation. How much more if I will stay here longer?

I dream of visiting Israel. I want to go to Jerusalem and see the Wailing Wall in the Western Gate. Why? I want to say my prayers there. The Lord will hear it like a thunder! It's the Wailing Wall, haler!

Days From Now: After the Changes

I am only counting days before I leave for another country. That's how far changes brought into my life nowadays. I can't believe this happen in just less than a month. Am excited to find new horizon and new peace of mind. Though I'll gonna leave so many things behind, am full of faith that bigger things will come my way.

I prayed for changes to happen in my life... but I didn't know that a drastic change will instantly take place in my life in just one night without any known reason at all and reason that I know. I lost the person I value most. My enrollment target didn't make it. So I declared losses this year. Another blow is here again in my family... all results hanging on air.

I needed a change... but not like this.

The sudden change took me in a whirlpool of pain. It's hard to get back on tract again. But my survival instinct is alive- I will survive!

I will because there is a much bigger picture than this someday which I still don't realize now in my mind. But there will be.

Am wearing this mysterious engagement ring again which was found in our room, whose ring size fits only mine. It symbolizes a new morning for me and new doors to get through.

Now am flying again, still in pain but flying. And doors are really opening up. The people and situation who hurt me paved the way for a brand new morning. I thank the Lord because He loves me and is good to me.


Let us see who's gonna laugh at the finish line! Ha ha ha ha!

In Pursuit of Change

I want changes in my life.
I dream of new and big things in my life
because I want to do big things also.
Not just for the people I love,
But also for the people I don't know personally,
And for myself.

I burned my ship to pursue changes,
So I will not look back and doubt,
And fear.
I said, " I will do the best I can, and will not set sail home
Until my mission was accomplished."
But sunsets and weddings, paddling on quiet waters of the bay,
Are like whispers, prompting me,
To build the ship that I have burned behind.

But no.
God has made ways for moving on.
Words of His were spoken, alive and well in my spirit.
There is no room for ashes.
There is no room for whispers.

Bigger things come to those who knows how to open the gates of heaven.
To those who knows what dead to self means.
To the courageous and persistent.
To the dreamer and the doer.
To those who wants to pursue changes.


"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways,
and My thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven,
and returneth not hither, but watereth the earth,
and make it bring forth and bud,
that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall My word be that goeth forth out of My mouth:
it shall not return unto Me void,
but it shall accomplish that which I please,
and it shall prosper in the thing
whereto I sent it."

Isaiah 55:9-11

Cassava anyone?

Sitting by the charcoal stove of a tribe woman while she's cooking some food, one idle, starry night, other tribe's women came along and talked almost endlessly about the many recipes one can make out of cassava, their "basic food".

They said, it's better grated and the juice squeezed out to prevent poisoning, then add the spices you want. I've tasted their food and it's good. You can cook it like a hotcake, minus the egg, and taste like an ordinary hotcake. They call it apam. Make it bigger, they use it as wedding cakes, mixed with oil and sugar, and decorated with little flags. They call it panyam. The tastiest is daral, cooked as thin as the lumpia wrapper, with grated fresh coconut and sugar as fillings, wrapped like the ordinary lumpia. The sindol is cooked like a stew, mixed with brown mongo seeds- the best in zamboanga! they said. My mother mixes grated kinchay, ginisa mix, onion and pepper dash with it, form it into balls and deep fry them. My collegues even cook these balls ala mechado or menudo. They're great! Heavy to the stomach!

Maybe this food makes these people stronger than us. They're carbo-loaded!


It's my habit to watch the late program of 700 club in channel 11 every night of my stay in my house. That was a week ago. Coming from my work from the tribe, one of my eye twitched. Maybe a reaction to the extreme heat or maybe my moisturizer. It was disturbing!

That night in that program, Ms. Coney got a word of knowledge while praying, about someone who is watching with a twitching eye which God was healing. I was amazed and immediately thank God for the healing. The next morning, I found out that my eye was healed! Oh great! I can't believe that I will recieve such an attention from the Lord and I am so happy!

Staying in the Vineyard

The long months away from here were very busy months, juggling from Batangas to Manila and forth. The odds increased when I was demanded a 150 out-of-school children to teach through our BLP Program (Basic Literacy Program) under the ALS of DepEd Batangas. And mind you, it's all for nothing!

Friends say, " What do you get from it?" I said "Nothing". "So why stay?". they asked. All of my friends now are engaged in business if not in their own professions.

I was only 18 when I discovered that I will be a Vineyard worker. When I got my degree in college and have my own business, when this call materialized. That's why I retained the non-stock,non-profit nature of my business. I also found out that my ancestors were Vineyard workers, and it's running down up to the present generations of our clan. Most of my cousins and my own family are all Vineyard workers. My parents said that it's a very noble thing to work in the Vineyard. My brother, who is a AVP in JP Morgan, is a Vineyard worker, so as my other brothers!

The Vineyard is the richest and largest company in the world. No retirement. The tenure is secured. No one gets hungry. No losses, just dividends to earn. And if you have a business, connecting your business to it means profit! The qualification needed to be employed may be a bit difficult, but it's worth it! It's system and principles may be different from the common but they're easy to follow and apply.

But most of all, you get to meet it's Owner 24 hrs a day. Everytime you need Him, He's there. So problems are that hard to solve. And He also stays even if you don't ask Him to be around.

Why I stay?

Because it's an honor to serve Isa Al-masih (Christ the Messiah)!

What I Did Last December

I made it through the 2008! I can say, that year was a rather difficult one for me. But I got plenty of blessings to from the Almighty, and am so thankful about them. I am also thankful about friends who got so positive insights towards things, who reminded me about turbulence and opulence, of changes and finding new "cheese", and of "burning" the past in order to get to the future.

I got my best Christmas and New Year. There was no lucrative food around. Noche Buena came in with coffee and brownies, and New Year with macaroni salad, kapeng barako and loud shouts and noises, the 12th midnight chasing children in the neighborhood with our "torotots", and ending the new year with a series of movies in HBO till 4am. I've never felt so free and so happy, feeling so light and things so easy! Up to now I still have it.Was it because the difficult situations of 2008 was solved?No, they're still here! What happened? Because a great change took place inside me, inside my mind. I began to sleep well, eat plenty, smile and bloom a lot and looked at things differently than before. And I found out that when you smile, the whole world smiles at you, is true.

What I did?
1. Love myself. I gave myself a vacation.
2. Travel.
3. Enjoy being with my family and tribe
4. Re- frame my mind.
5. Read Stainless Longaniza by Bob Ong, Who Moved My Cheese by Dr. Spencer Johnson, Your Best Life Now by Ptr. Austin, the Bible and my journal.
6. Play the brain twister

When you smile, the whole world smiles at you!