How To Trust...again and again and again?

How To Trust?
Paano magtitiwala? ( tinagalog lng..:p)


I was asked by a friend who's undergoing a very difficult time in Dubai,
"Paano ba magtiwala ate? "

I hope she won't mind me writing about her question which was also my question many years back.
I believe we are not the only ones who has the same question in mind. The trust issue is quite bothersome when you feel you need to love someone,  in a relationship or intending to share yourself to others.

Well, paano nga ba?

Let me share with you bits of how I made it. It's not an easy thing to trust and it's not a simple process to teach yourself to trust, and its not done overnight.

Know Yourself

   To know yourself is to be honest to yourself who you really are. Sometimes, we have the tendency to tell a lie about ourselves in fear of social comparison. Know your personality, what type are you? By knowing so, you will be able to find out your strength and limitations.... what you can do , what you can't and what you will never do. Being honest is humility. Honest enough to admit that you have a trust problem and you badly need a cure because you want to live peaceably with your loved ones. To deny will lead nowhere and will only make things worst than before.


Realize

Trust issue resulted from our painful experience of betrayal.

       Pangakong hindi tinupad.
       Pinaasa...pinaasa...pinaghintay sa wala.
       Niloko.... dinaya... binilog ang ulo.
       O sadyang, di lang talaga katiwa-tiwala ang kaharap mo.
       Whatever.

and can't trust anymore arise when we cannot overcome the feeling of being betrayed, and we tend to protect ourselves from being fooled again. But sometimes over protecting ourselves cause unhappiness.

It's alright to protect ourselves, but common sense says, anything over and beyond sometimes can hurt.


Life is full of risks. Relationships involve risks.

Any relationship has risk and humanly speaking, we all need to relate, and in relating we need to trust. Trusting in a relationship is like giving a piece of yourself without thinking or thinking a bit about what is going to be afterwards. Trusting is giving confidence to the other person, without thinking the pros and the cons; without doubt allowing your loved ones to feel that they are secured in your commitment. But what causes you to take the risk in trusting?

the one answer is ...because you love.

You cannot trust without love, or else its just plain business.

So the saying goes, " Kapag nasira ang tiwala di na maibabalik." (When trust is destroyed, it can never be brought back again.)

Let me contest that saying by:
Noong nasira ba ang tiwala mo, nabawasan ba ang pag-ibig mo? ( When your trust was breached, does your love decreased?)

It's shocking to know that love never decrease! It's just you love or you don't love at all. Love is borne or love vanished !
So when you mistrust, you simply are not in love,or your love has vanished like water vaporized in the air of doubts and pain.
Oh, maybe you love...you love yourself so you put your defenses up.

Check out... do you still love? or no more?

Betrayal has some after effects. 

One piece of paper is not enough to list the after effects of betrayal. I list them in my mind, then I sat down with a mug of coffee on hand and faced them. Facing the effects would mean forgiving the scene of betrayal; forgiving your offender and forgiving yourself for not being able to defend your feelings and your rights.

I ran the scene over and over again in my mind. My tears roll down for every re run of the scenario. The re runs didn't happen daily because the pain re surge every time and I can't help but cry. So the re runs happen within a year or so, and I never stopped until I felt that no more tears flow and I feel better. This is called  desensitization.

There are times I imagine the person who breached my trust, standing in-front of me and I speak to him aloud, telling him how hurt I was, and that I forgive him.
I looked like a fool but I did it not for anybody, but for myself.

It pays to heal yourself. Don't be afraid to take the step.



To Trust is to let go. Let go of the things you can't control because trust is an issue of self- competence.

Humans are prone to control. To control is to secure a comfort zone. To control is to protect ourselves -- our feelings, our honor, etc..etc. all pointed to ourselves. Is it bad to control? A small amount won't hurt but to be authoritarian in a relationship is another thing.

It is enlightening to know that we can't control other people's attitude and behavior, but we can control our responses towards them. When you like to trust, let go of your tendency to control the other person. Controlling your loved ones will just give you disappointments and misery. You just have to be confident within you that no negative things will happen. be confident in yourself, of what you can do and what you will become with your loved ones. Committing errors is human because we are prone to errors and mistakes. Even you commit errors. Besides, no one is perfect. We are not infinite beings; we have limitations and we are subject to changes. If you cannot take this truth, then don't force yourself to commit...stay alone to preserve yourself from the effects of human nature.

Be confident in your self. Be competent of who you are. Let go of your tendency to control. Be competent in the thought that no one is perfect ; you chose to trust because you are a good person, and you want your loved ones to grow in your love.



Because you can't control things out, seek the help of the One who has control of everything.

   Our strength and wisdom is limited. Our powers are limited. Why not seek the One who has control of all things and creation,and put your trust on Him that He is able to do secure you and your loved ones from impeding temptations, evils and negative events. Your trust issue can be solved when you learn to put your trust on someone much stronger than you, much wiser than you, most powerful, omniscient and omnipresent, able to handle your security, and able to wipe all your pains and will give you peace of mind and comfort while seeing your loved ones living their lives with you. If you can't trust your loved one, trust God. He will do the protecting for you.

 A faith in God is not bad, in fact, we all need Him.
Yeah, we all need Jesus in our lives. Maybe you don't need Him right now, but I tell you, time will come you will, and all of us will.



Trust

Take the step to trust, don't be afraid. Lakasan lang yn ng loob. Your happiness depends on it. Take your time. Don't hurry yourself.



Learn

Learn from your experiences. Journal them so you can go back to these learning someday. From these learning you will mature and gain wisdom.


" Wisdom is sweet to the bones."- AkoLangYun





Take time to love. take time to Trust. Godspeed!






Sinulat habang kumakain ng putoseko.