Lulay sa Dapit-umaga

it's 1:11 am...thursday.

Isang oras na tumigil ang pagsusulat ko..... nakatingin lng sa monitor..... nakasalpak ang headset sa tenga....."Maybe" by Secondhand Serenade.

Hindi ko alam iisipin ko... kapag pala sobrang masakit isipin ang isang bagay, hindi ka makakaiyak.
Tama ang mga nararamdaman ko. Tama ang mga nakita ko noon.
Ano ba ginagawa ko dito?
Bakit ako nagtitiis?
Bakit ako nanahimik?
Bakit pinalalampas ko na lng ang mga bagay na hindi ko magustuhan?
Ano meron sa kalooban ko?
Hindi ako mabait.
Hindi ako mabuting tao.
May mga nagagawa din akong mali.
Ginagawa ko lang ang mga bagay kasi masaya akong gawin ang 'yun.
Wala na akong ibang dahilan.
Ibig sbihin ba nagtitiis ako dahil masaya akong ginagawa ang pagtitiis?
Hindi.
Masakit ang magtiis. Pero bakit?
Kasi cguro mahal ko ang mga tao sa mundo ko.
Ako ba, mahal nila?
Bakit sa tuwing lalapit ako sa Dios, naiiyak ako?
Kasi mahal Niya ako. Ramdam ko un.
Bakit pag iniisip ko ang mga pangit na damdaming bunga ng mga naririnig ko
Hindi ako naiiyak..
Ang mga tao... hindi ako naiiyak.
Siguro, hindi ko kasi nararamdamang mahal nila ako.
Ang nararamdaman ko lang...kasi kailangan nila ako.
Sa panahon ng aking pag-iisa
ng kalungkutan....( marunong din akong malungkot)
ng hirap
at pagtitiis... ng pananahimik..
kape ang kasama ko!
ayun eh!
Di bale isang araw, mawawala din ako.
Hindi na ako babalik.
Hindi na ako makikita pa.
Ilan ang iiyak?
Ilan ang maghahanap?
Gaya noong araw....
Gaya noong araw......

There is You

song: " Even if the sun refuse to shine..
Even if we live in different times.
Even if the ocean left the sea...
There would still be you and me..."


Yeah, I just didn't know how it happen-
but there was you....
and now it is you.
What magic is there
that you seem to claim all of my days?
and the spaces that surround me..
It was so abrupt but took so slow.
so slow but abruptly caught my mind.
ha! ha! ha! but it is beautiful!
So beautiful like a dream in a full moon shine!
That when you're not around,
the minutes seems so slow.
the days seem like years.
and am missing you!
What a mystery it is.
only our minds talk,
our sticks walk hand in hand,
our keyboards spell the words,
and voices fall in random with whatever time is left unsaid.
But there is You and Me.
And it's amazing and impressive,
how things work out.
I wish this is not an illusive dream.
Shall I see you?
Shall I let you hold my hands?
Shall I let your kiss on my lips?
Shall I let you dance me all night through?
Shall I spend my days with you?
Oh yes I shall let you.
So you will know,
that there's You..... and there is Me.
and there's Us
here, face to face, together... you and I.
and we're not dreaming,
and it's not virtual.
it's what we're waiting for.
and those moments would be beautiful.
And when time for me to go,
You're in my heart and never leave.
I'll take your love with me.
And my sleep would be forever dreaming of you.
Am glad you're here,
so glad no words to say-
but " I love you."
Am glad there is You..... and Me.


end song : " Even if the world will disappear
Even if the clouds will shed no tear.
Even if tonight was just a dream,
There would still be you and me." <3




activity: testing for new meds... hope this will be negative for any reactions.
3 lab tests to come.
wish my ESR level comes down.

Scrapbook Poems

Music: Okay by Iyaz

One:

What could be more beautiful than
seeing a seed transform into a tiny plant?
...than a bud blossoms into a flower?
... than seeing you just looking at me
without a word nor a hush?

Your smiles send the blues away,
ushering the rain and the storm which I like...
... the rain and the storm remind me of you
and it saddens my heart.


Two:

I wish I could say how much
you mean to my world..
But I cannot
...because I was afraid that you
will just say "No".

Three:

The days are beautiful because you are in my world.
But no longer,
when you stepped out without a word.

Four:

Look at me! Look at me!
and not the other way!
It would be happier if our eyes will meet
and our hearts understand! Ha! ha!

Five:

I am waiting for you....
I wish you will come in summertime,
Where
all flowers bloom,
and clouds are high.
the sun stands gaily
as kites and birds fly by.

Six:

Each day is a pleasure...
to see you
just staring out there,
looking my way.

Can't we just make things happen?
Can we make it real?
Shall we cross boundaries
and meet halfway?

Seven:

When you came,
all my blues wept away,
all my fears chased away.

Oh, I can never look into your eyes,
because you will see my love,
oh, you will see
how much you mean to me.


Scrapbooking is fun... colored papers and cuts out are not the only ones you can use to make your scrapbooks alive, but also with what from your heart and mind...


end music: clumsy by fergie

My Pain

i can feel pain...

but there is no tears....

i wanted to cry but tears can't make it out of my eyes.

but the pain numbs my soul...

i don't know where i will go

so the pain will go away.

i don't know what to do

to ease what i feel.


you were just a dream that i once knew.

agatha

this day i don't know what to think anymore.
i have done the best i could to agatha..
my pure intentions were not rewarded,
for 2 years i considered myself a failure.
and now i am faced to its one of the many challenges.
among its challenges, this one is something too difficult for me to handle.
my name is at stake.
agatha is at stake.
most of its challenges i have handled and settled...this one remain untouched.
and in this one, i have already exhausted all my fuel and energy.
i got tired..so tired.
for i have exhausted already what i know.
and or this one i prayed:

my Lord God I commenced in Your hands Agatha
i have nothing more to do.
i failed.
Your greatest will be done.
this time Lord, do things for me.
and i will accept your will.


: (

In Pursuit of Change

I want changes in my life.
I dream of new and big things in my life
because I want to do big things also.
Not just for the people I love,
But also for the people I don't know personally,
And for myself.

I burned my ship to pursue changes,
So I will not look back and doubt,
And fear.
I said, " I will do the best I can, and will not set sail home
Until my mission was accomplished."
But sunsets and weddings, paddling on quiet waters of the bay,
Are like whispers, prompting me,
To build the ship that I have burned behind.

But no.
God has made ways for moving on.
Words of His were spoken, alive and well in my spirit.
There is no room for ashes.
There is no room for whispers.

Bigger things come to those who knows how to open the gates of heaven.
To those who knows what dead to self means.
To the courageous and persistent.
To the dreamer and the doer.
To those who wants to pursue changes.


"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways,
and My thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven,
and returneth not hither, but watereth the earth,
and make it bring forth and bud,
that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall My word be that goeth forth out of My mouth:
it shall not return unto Me void,
but it shall accomplish that which I please,
and it shall prosper in the thing
whereto I sent it."

Isaiah 55:9-11

Mindset

back in the lowlands.

faced with many works in the office and challenges... seems so easy nowadays.

i got sidewiped with other people's problems. sitting on a chair outside my ovenlike office, it's fun to listen from other people's complaints and gruntch in life! Afterall, I kinda realized that mine is a bit easier to bear.

i think life is not that bad. it's in fact, good!

it's happy and it's fun!

life is what we see it. it's all in the mind-

the pressures, the pain, the frustrations, the failures.

crazy?

all of these things are choices to make.

we can choose to love, or fail to.

i believe so. it's not a subjective thing. it's the truth!

before, i don't view things like this.

it's when i reached the edge that i realized my mindsetting is all wrong.

changing it is not a piece of cake.

it didn't happen overnight.

it's a process.

and am reaping the good results of it.

it's what Word of God puts it," renewed your mind."

sobrang serious nito!

bakit? wala lang.

Ours is Like This

For you have come unexpectedly in the day
I did not know I will be asked to
let go of my solitary beliefs;
During the heat of summer,
When I was so busy tending my father's flock.


It was after my prayer:
"Look not upon me O Lord because I am black,
because the sun has looked upon me;
My mother's children were angry with me;
They made me the keeper of their vineyards,
but my own vineyard have I not kept." ( Songs 1:5-6)


It was also after the Lord spoke to me,
that He's beginning to make a great change
in my life.
After I have learned to play R.O.S.E., basketball
and Time Crisis.


Who will say that I will have the courage
To cross boundaries and bridges I've never crossed before?
To break the tradition I hold dear in my life?
That is when after I have known you!


There was no sad moment with you.
There was no tiring minute with you.
Each is a piece of good memory,
I wish I could compile in a scrapbook.
But no! It should be posted in our hearts,
And in our minds.. so they won't fade away.


Ours is a sun after a very long rain!
A strike of light in a very dark place.
A laughter in the midst of gloom and dreary,
A pause after a very long conversation.


If I will be asked to describe you-
I would say,
You are a flowing stream
Whose tranquil water brings calmness and peace
To my soul.
A gentle breeze that embraces me
When I sleep,
Bringing me pleasant dreams!


Who would forget you, Eicher?
They may forget you but not I!
I will hold you dear here,
In my heart.
Though we're miles apart,
Nothing has changed.
It's as if it's always the beginning,
And end is far away!


I thank God for sending you in my life,
I may not know how long we'll going to travel
Together in this road of ours,
But I am so happy and thankful,
That once in my life,
I was given the chance to be with
You
And know that life is more beautiful
Than what I have thought it is.


In the middle of our laughs
Sometimes you say my eyes are sad...
It's because I do not want end to come
In our happiness.

If You Think...

someone said I should be ashamed about my posts
in this blog....

This is my blog, and i write my thoughts here

about the things that i encounter, where there are lessons to learn.

Sometimes, just my happy experiences are posted here.

Just to share.

Should i be ashamed of my thoughts?

Should i be ashamed of my happy moments?

No! That could be pretentious!

Why post them?

So you will know what's in my mind,...while am working

with my hands.

So you will know me better.

At least 50% of who I am.

Yap, 50%!

Why you need to know me?

Because I know I'm a beautiful person,

not just to look at...

(And I like you to know things that i learn too.)

But the trouble is

You don't want to see inside my mind

so you will know how beautiful i am,

so you will also know how good you are!

Life is beautiful!

We have to appreciate it

if we want to grow old gracefully.

(",) ('-')